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I wrote this post about a little over a week ago just to have an outlet to talk about what I was feeling. Now looking back at it for the first time in over a week, I feel the need to publish it. There is something beautiful about the pain and emotions we feel at a certain time in life, and how we can work through them and grow.
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I am going to take the five minutes that I don't really have a write it. Not that it will be published, I just need to get my feelings down on paper.
Life can be scary and half of the time just plain annoying. I feel like on this space of mine, the only things that are talked about are happy things. That places, people, and food that make me enjoy my life. That is all great of course, except for the fact that life is not always sunshine.
Like now for instance.
Going back and forth to doctors for breast issues not something that I would ever call the sunshine in my life. The prodding sticking, injecting, waiting, and doing that whole process over again seems like it is getting the best of me.
Now don't get me wrong. I feel so happy that every test has come back negative and it seems like there is nothing wrong with me. Today as I went to the doctor, I just figured it was over with. I figured she was going to say that everything checked out normal and your body is just playing tricks on you.
Well, come to find out that I have to have another test that includes sticking a needle in that area where needles shouldn't go and waiting for yet another pathology result to make sure there are no cancerous cells definitely put another cloud over my reappearing sunshine.
Why do I need to do this test? I feel as if it is just another test that is going to say the same thing as all the others, negative. Maybe it is just my fear that is getting the best of me and I want to get this all behind me. I am trying to tell myself that after this is over with, hopefully it will reveal that there is nothing wrong and I can move on.
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I hope this was for someone, somewhere out there. It is okay to not be okay sometimes. You don't always have to have it together and life can and will be messy. But time goes on and it will get better.
5 comments:
Hi Amy,
As I was reading this, a prayer came to mind for you.
Lord Jesus,
I know that You love Amy. Even though I've never met her in person, I know she is my sister in You. I pray that You will give her peace even though the future is uncertain. I know that You desire to heal. I pray that the results from these tests come back as negative. Give her Your perfect peace in this time. Keep her close to You.
Amen.
I'll keep you in my prayers!
Dueteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
xo
Oh wow--that is tough. You're right that none of us always have everything put together--that's for sure! It must have been so hard that when you hoped everything was done that you had to do even more tests. I hope this rough season of life is able to be wrapped up quickly for you!
Oh, Amy. It can be strenuous and emotionally draining to get tests done over and over again. Although we want to get checked and know what is going on with our bodies, it almost feels like too much to handle. The tests, the waiting, the results. And through all of this it can be even more difficult to have peace in the One who is the Prince of Peace. I pray that in your weakness, He will faithfully show you just how strong He is. He has got this :) He knows your frustration, your hurts, you fears. He hears even the words you’re too afraid to speak. No matter what happens I will promise you that this season is not in vain. Our gracious God will use it for His glory.
Brittany
brittanykytecreated.blogspot.com
amy,
you're so brave for posting this. in blogging, no matter what kind, the hardest posts to publish are the most important. we let people see our outfits and even our instagrams, but it's when we talk about our fears that we really become a community and really affect someone. i'm so glad you shared and i hope you're taking care of yourself so you can be strong through this scary, confusing time. from blogger to blogger, i'm here if you ever need to talk.
-nicole
writeslikeagirlblog.blogspot.com
praying for you girl!!
Dear God,
please be with Amy and comfort her in this time. you are the ultimate healer and you have a plan. Take away her worry and fear. "Cast all her anxiety on the Lord because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
Amen
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