Thursday, January 17, 2013
one of those posts you don't want to post
Let me preface this post by saying it was written last night, around midnight. My mind would not stop thinking, so I wrote it all down on my iPhone. Reading it this morning, I decided to share with you all. Aren't late night writings the best?
The mind can be a funny thing. The way we think we should live our lives is from somewhere we don't know and can't full grasp. The Internet, television, or the "American Dream" that everyone is trying to reach can all play some part into what we think we should do with our lives. As life seems to be catching up with me, almost surpassing me, I am already 4 months into my 20th year of life. Birthday celebrations seems like just yesterday. Crazy feeling I tell ya.
As I embark on this new adventure and exciting adventure in about a month, LPN school, I can't help but feel that life hasn't "started" yet sometimes. Or rather, that life will start after I accomplish this goal. I tell myself day in and day out that life is here, now, in the ever alluding present that somehow seems to fleet so quickly. For example yesterday, I spent an amazing afternoon with my man. I knew he was going to have the afternoon off for about a week, and all that week, that was something I was eagerly looking forward to. Not that it is bad to look forward to things; however, I could not find anything in the present that was more exciting than spending the Wednesday afternoon with him, just the two of us. As yesterday came, it also went just as quickly. The afternoon sun fell into a beautiful sunset, and just as it seems to have started, the day with Jared was over and I found myself looking for something else to look forward to (besides my morning ritual of coffee).
Even though I know that the present is where I should be living, I find myself floating into the future and thinking, life would be great after I finish school or Jared finishes school or when I am engaged or when I am married or when I have kids. But why? Why do I feel as though my life will start then? Putting myself in a position of almost limbo in the present is a place I never want to be. I want to grow and flourish into the woman I know He wants me to become and accomplish even the most minute goals and far fetched dreams I have planned for myself (and some of those include getting married and having kids). I know I can do it, but when will I feel like, "now is the time," and not wait for the future?
My life is now. At this moment and this second and the next hour after that. There is nothing I want more than to live in the present and in every moment in that present, if that makes any sense. Knowing full well that life is precious and time is fleeting, why do I struggle with the subject?
This blog is a place that I would like to feel like I have all the answers and guidance if one of you were to ask. Most of the time I do feel like that and the stresses of life are not something that weigh me down. But you know what life? You've seem to have me stumped.
If there is anyone else out there that feels similar or the same as I do, please, feel free to share and know that you're not alone (also, you'd be verifying the fact that I am not as crazy as I feel!). Life is a tricky thing. The end.