Let me preface this post by saying it was written last night, around midnight. My mind would not stop thinking, so I wrote it all down on my iPhone. Reading it this morning, I decided to share with you all. Aren't late night writings the best?
The mind can be a funny thing. The way we think we should live our lives is from somewhere we don't know and can't full grasp. The Internet, television, or the "American Dream" that everyone is trying to reach can all play some part into what we think we should do with our lives. As life seems to be catching up with me, almost surpassing me, I am already 4 months into my 20th year of life. Birthday celebrations seems like just yesterday. Crazy feeling I tell ya.
As I embark on this new adventure and exciting adventure in about a month, LPN school, I can't help but feel that life hasn't "started" yet sometimes. Or rather, that life will start after I accomplish this goal. I tell myself day in and day out that life is here, now, in the ever alluding present that somehow seems to fleet so quickly. For example yesterday, I spent an amazing afternoon with my man. I knew he was going to have the afternoon off for about a week, and all that week, that was something I was eagerly looking forward to. Not that it is bad to look forward to things; however, I could not find anything in the present that was more exciting than spending the Wednesday afternoon with him, just the two of us. As yesterday came, it also went just as quickly. The afternoon sun fell into a beautiful sunset, and just as it seems to have started, the day with Jared was over and I found myself looking for something else to look forward to (besides my morning ritual of coffee).
Even though I know that the present is where I should be living, I find myself floating into the future and thinking, life would be great after I finish school or Jared finishes school or when I am engaged or when I am married or when I have kids. But why? Why do I feel as though my life will start then? Putting myself in a position of almost limbo in the present is a place I never want to be. I want to grow and flourish into the woman I know He wants me to become and accomplish even the most minute goals and far fetched dreams I have planned for myself (and some of those include getting married and having kids). I know I can do it, but when will I feel like, "now is the time," and not wait for the future?
My life is now. At this moment and this second and the next hour after that. There is nothing I want more than to live in the present and in every moment in that present, if that makes any sense. Knowing full well that life is precious and time is fleeting, why do I struggle with the subject?
This blog is a place that I would like to feel like I have all the answers and guidance if one of you were to ask. Most of the time I do feel like that and the stresses of life are not something that weigh me down. But you know what life? You've seem to have me stumped.
Blah.
If there is anyone else out there that feels similar or the same as I do, please, feel free to share and know that you're not alone (also, you'd be verifying the fact that I am not as crazy as I feel!). Life is a tricky thing. The end.
4 comments:
please don't feel crazy! you know what they say... "the days are long, but the weeks are short" (or something like that). time does fly by and it's hard to feel like you're actually appreciating it or getting anything accomplished! i promise you are not alone though, and i wish i had some advice to give, but i often find myself in the same predicament. we just have to keep trying to focus on each moment as it happens, and thank God each day for all the many blessings we have been given!
-Emma
chasingtexas.blogspot.com
I definitely feel this way, and I think it can be sometimes made worse because it's out of our control.
Time is such a confusing concept, and I'm in a love - hate relationship with it. I always think that once I've finished uni I will be able to move away and get a job. I class uni as a stepping stone, but what happens when I've finished. Where do I go from there y'know. What if things don't work out like I have planned in my mind?
We're all gonna continue to look at the future, and hope that tomorrow will be better, and all of that, but today can be great too and it's nice to remind yourself to appreciate the little things :)
Loved this post. Sorry for the essay of a comment :)
Girrrrl you are NOT alone. I finished college in May and thought that my life was "starting" only to realize that I have no clue what I'm doing...all I was doing was waiting for things to happen. BUT taking time to reflect on those feelings (like you just did) is a step in the right direction I think :)
xo
Amy,
umm this is so funny that you are writing this. i was just thinking about this the other day because I want to adopt kids when I get married and I havent even found a boyfriend yet. But anyway, I was just thinking about adoption and how much I want to be a mother. I was questioning why I was in school and in the same way that you are feeling I want to live in the moment but yet I find myself thinking about how much I want college to be over and how much I want to move on with my life and the career that God has choosen for me. I sort of feel stuck in this world of college right now and I know that this isn't the "real world" and I cant wait to see what God has for me after college. But at the same time, growing up is scary and it is a learning process and I am glad I have two more years of college before I decide what to do with my life. Know that you are not alone and that I think about this often. I think it is often a challenge for Americans to enjoy where they are at in the moment but its something that we need to do. We need to enjoy the moment and let God take care of the rest. that is easy to say but hard to do, trust me. know that I love you and I love your blog and thank you for always being so raw and open. I am so blessed to call you a sister in Christ and I look forward each day or week to what you have to share with us. Blessing sweet friend!
Jessica
http://mybeautifulli.blogspot.com/
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